Today I decided to go through my documents on my computer and flash drive. I wanted to delete some things I really won't use again, and organize the things I probably would need for later on in life. As I was going through these things I found a lot of good papers I've written over the years. I also found some that were very poorly written. I came across a folder that seemed to have some weird things in it. I thought there might have been some weird files that I had downloaded. As I opened up that folder, I was shocked to find the wedding invitations I had created for my ex fiancée and myself.
I'm sure you can just imagine the plethora of feelings that are surging through my mind and body right now...If not, let me help you. I honestly DON'T know how to feel or how I truly feel. I don't feel bad. I don't feel good. I don't feel sad. I don't feel happy. I'm just stuck not caring much.
To top things off, I decided to ignore the invites and continue going through my documents...that's when I came across the letter I had written him telling him things were over and I was moving out of town. I also remembered that I still have pictures of the rings he bought. I wonder what the shrink would say about that!?! I personally don't think it's that big of a deal. I have moved on with my life. I'm happy with how things are at the moment. It took me some time, but I realized that he was not the one for me. I cared about him very much, but he just wasn't the one.
Do I sometimes think "what if?" Of course I do. However, when I think about it, I know that I was right in making my decision and I'm sure that now that he has moved on, he would feel the same way. I wasn't ready for it anyway.
Did that experience change my feelings towards marriage? COMPLETELY!
I don't know if I truly want to get married anymore. I talk about when I get married, but the truth is, I'm terrified. I don't think I can go through it again. I simply want to live my life and avoid the extra conflict.