Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Waiting Around for Hurt

My best friend was dating a guy in college. The relationship was serious. She thought he was perfect for her. He made her happy. He loved her crazy ways…and then it just seems like it all changed. Now, I’m not in the relationship, so I couldn’t tell you exactly what the issue was or how it began. All I can tell you is what I know as a “bystander.”
I only met the guy once or twice, but by the time I met him, things had already gone downhill. He had begun saying some disgusting things and didn’t seem to be anywhere near interested in a serious relationship. My friend was willing to wait for him. She always told me that he had never had a chance to be single and just mess around, and she was willing to give him his space to enjoy his single lifestyle.
I didn’t agree with her decision because I would never want to sit back and know that the man I love was out there having sex with other women. However, I’m not in the relationship, so I’m only saying how I feel as her friend.
Recently (four years of bullshit later), she finally realized that he had been wasting her time. I have several reactions to the situation: 1) Bout damn time. 2) I admire that you loved him so much to stay BUT 3) It’s time to move on. I really do love that she was determined to find a way to make things work. That shows how much she loves(d) him. However, I think this whole situation shows how much he didn’t love her. I don’t think he never loved her, but I do believe that if he still had those feelings he never would have led her on…especially for so many years.
Now that I’m in a situation that feels like the beginning stages of something similar to what my friend went through, I’m very quick to push away. I don’t want to be with a person who knows I love him, but refuses to commit. I’m only 6 months into this, and I’m just not interested in waiting around forever. I’m a good woman. I love with all of my heart. I support my man in everything he does, because I truly believe in him. I’ve been okay with not having something too serious because I wanted to know if these feelings were real. Now that he’s moved, my feelings have only gotten stronger. I’ve been very vocal about how I feel. I’ve tried to show my feelings in any way I could find. I wish I could say the same about him. You would think that being that far away would make him realize he has to do a bit more to make sure I know how he feels. I haven’t seen or heard anything to make me feel secure in the possibility of something more.
Am I wasting my time? Are you just keeping me on a short leash in case something else doesn’t work out for you? Do you not believe that I love you? Are you just scared to let someone love you?
In the end, I don’t want to wait around much longer for these answers. I’m done showing you. I’m done reaching out to you. I’m done telling you how I feel.
If you wanted to be with me, if you wanted to see if there was something real here, you’d call me, you’d email me, you’d tell me how you feel.
If you respected me, you’d never do what you just did.
Since I’m only worth texting…I guess there’s nothing here.
I guess we just don’t belong together. If that’s the case, I wish you the best. Love you.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Letting go...

You can tell a person over and over again that you want or need something to feel a certain way, but sometimes it just doesn't make sense to them. I don't know how much clearer I can be with people. I've always said what was on my mind or how I felt about something or someone because I think life is easier that way. I would never want someone to be confused about how I feel about them. If I don't like you, you will know. If I love you, although it may be harder to say, you will know that, too. I hate keeping things to myself.

I can't say it again. You know how I feel. It is what it is.

...letting go...


Saturday, January 26, 2013


The whole "not knowing what our situation is" thing is really frustrating me at this point. I'm the kind of woman who is very loving, loyal, and dedicated to the person I'm with, especially if I think you could be someone special to me. I don't like being kept in the dark. I know it's hard to state "This is how things will be," when you're so far apart from each other and can't speak in person. I'm just having a hard time convincing myself whether I should or shouldn't consider dating other people. There's never been anything saying we were really together, but in my heart, I feel as though this could be something and I don't want to waste my time with anyone else, when I could be with someone I truly love. 

Because I think this could be something serious, I'm willing to not be with anyone else emotionally, mentally, or physically until we can figure this thing out. However, I am not willing to wait around for someone if they're not willing to do the same for me. I can't sit around being the only one doing any real work towards a commitment. If I'm putting in work, telling you how I feel, taking time out of my day to text you, or call you, I expect the same in return. No time wasted... 


Wednesday, January 23, 2013

No matter how you say it...

"Whosoever finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor of the LORD." King James 2003

"He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD." NIV 1984

"The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD." NLV 2007

Proverbs 18:22

It doesn't matter which version you are reading, a man will always find his wife. Ladies, stop searching and let him come to you. I'm not searching anymore. :)


Ain't it a shame...

World's Largest Hips

I am very much for being proud of your body, especially if you're like me and have some extra goodies in the jar. However, this lady makes me really uncomfortable. She has 40 inch waist and 100 inch hips! I love that she holds her head high, but the rest of me is just wondering, how is she not uncomfortable? I look at how she always has to turn to the side to get through halls in her own own, and I just wonder don't you ever get tired of doing that. You're in your own house! Wouldn't you want to be as comfortable as possible when you get home? As I watched her lift herself into her shower, and not be able to close the glass door, I kept wondering how she cleans herself. I take very thorough showers because I know I have some extra meat and if you're not careful, you get fat man smell. I wonder if she takes the same thorough precautions to avoid the inevitable smells that come along with being a "big girl." 

Ladies, it is quite alright to be proud of who you are, but please don't be in denial about your situations.


Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Moving On Up!

I've been at my job for almost 2 years now, and I appreciate the opportunities that I've come across while working here, but it's finally time to move on. I've started applying to some jobs in NY because if I'm finally being honest with myself, that is exactly where I need to be if I want to be successful in my field.

As you get older, you start noticing that there's SOOOO much more that you can do to get where you want to be. I started realizing that maybe I've been scared to be successful because that means I would be expected to go even further in life. I'll be turning 25 this year, and things are starting to come into perspective. I'm finally realizing what I want in my career. More importantly, I'm realizing that I could have been doing some of these things a long time ago. I guess maybe the recent turn of events in my life has given me more of a reason to do what I've always wanted.

I finally started looking into purchasing a car. It would be delightful if my godfather would pay for the car like he promised 5 years ago, but I'm an adult now. I'm making my own money. I'm not waiting around for anyone anymore. Not having this car is keeping me from travelling to see friends and family. Not having this car is keeping me from going on the job interviews I should be going to. I'm doing letting the simple things hold me back in life. I'm getting this car as soon as my tax return comes in, because if I don't do it now, it'll never get done, and I'll never be able to do what I truly want in life. 

Once I get my car, I can FINALLY start searching for my own apartment. I am so beyond ready to get out of this one bedroom with my grandmother. I love her more than anything and anyone in this whole world. I may even love her more than I love myself, and we all know I love me some City!! However, it's just time for me to have my own place. I want to be able to walk around naked! I want to be able to have people over whenever I want. I want to say I'm paying all of this money for rent on a place I can call my own, not a place I'm sharing and not enjoying most of the luxuries that come along with having an apartment.

I'm finally ready to be successful. I'm finally ready to do things without the help of my grandmother. I'm just ready for everything that 2013 has in store for me. *Spongebob voice* I'M READY!