Thursday, August 9, 2012

The Shannon Files...The Greatest

My ex fiancee and I had the most ridiculous relationship ever. It was full of love, hate, cheating, abuse, and some of the best sex ever. Mmm.

We met during my freshman year of college at Penn State. I was having a hard time with some people living in my building and I had been taken advantage of. People had all kinds of things to say about me and they didn't even know who I was. The guys in the apartment below mine were always talking shit about what kind of person I was. Then I became really good friends with him. He came at the PERFECT time.

We started off as just friends, and that's honestly all I wanted from him. He seemed like the big brother type. He always stood up for me, and NO ONE bothered me because they knew he could and WOULD stomp their face in. 

One drunken night (because that's how all relationships start, right?), we had gone to a party and come back to my apartment. One drunken thing led to another, and we ended up having great sex. I told him we shouldn't have, but it happened anyway. Everyday following that got a little more complicated. He had started getting feelings, but I told him I was interested in sex and he and I could only be "fuck buddies." He claimed to be okay with it, but I found him coming over every night to make sure I was doing well. He knew my class and work schedule and would sometimes be waiting for me when I came home. What woman wouldn't eventually give in to that kind of guy? I surely did.

It didn't take very long for me to realize that this just wasn't the relationship I thought it would be. He was the complete opposite of the guy I wanted. He was a thug. He had two kids (different baby moms). He had a stalker ex girlfriend who threatened my life on several occasions. I just couldn't get enough of him, though. I wanted to do whatever was necessary to be with him. When he got banned from my first apartment building, I would sneak him in and risk getting kicked out. He used to find the most ridiculous hiding places. He would hide under the bed, in between the drawers. He even tried riding in the ceiling because for some stupid reason, we could moves the plates around. I LOOOOOVED playing hide n go seek with him.

Even better than hide n seek, were our games of fight and make up. We had some of the most epic fights. He tried squeezing the breath out of me. I punched him and chased after him with a butcher knife. And then we'd make up all night long. I know my roommate hated it...because I swear the bed would go through the wall every single time. He would keep going until I screamed. I really think that til this day, no one can fuck my bed across the room like he can, although my current boo surely tries. I remember one time he had gone at it so hard that I couldn't pee afterwards. I was walking at a right angle for a good day and a half. That was the best most uncomfortable day and a half of my life.

A relationship can't stand on sex alone. I have no harsh feelings towards him at all. We just didn't seem to have the same aspirations at the time. We were definitely headed in different directions. He tried his hardest to be the man I wanted, but I was settled in my ways and my goals. I don't regret any second of my relationship with him though, because he made me into the crazy woman you all love now! Love you E.


Still inside of me...

For however many years now, I was known as someone who absolutely loved sex. My friends would come to me for some of the most ridiculous stories because I always had something new going on. I've written blog entries about the guys who have done or said some of the stupidest things. I've told anecdotes about the things I've done during sexual encounters and the things guys have TRIED to get me to do. That's who I was. When my friends were unsure of things, they came to me. What can I say, I'm a pimp and a player, and I'm good at what I do. I get guys to melt in my hands, then toss em to the curb. Most guys I used for whatever purpose I needed them for, without giving them what they wanted. I didn't care what they thought. We had sex, you were whack, on to the next one!

...then it all stopped. I didn't want any guys. I didn't want to have sex with any guy. Usually I would make most guys think they had a chance, then slowly decide what I wanted. Even THAT stopped. I had become disgusted with the idea of having sex. I didn't want anyone getting too close.

It's almost exactly 8 months later and now I finally have the emotional stability to talk about it. Back in December, after my ex and I broke up, someone who I thought was my best friend, took advantage of me while I was drunk. It took me a few days to really understand what had happened. I had completely black out and didn't remember the end of the night. The one thing I do remember is his face and his body on top of me, and I wanted him off, but my body couldn't move. I don't remember making a sound, but I remember wondering why he was on me and why he was inside of me. Every part of me just wanted him to get off and never speak to me that's what happened. I stopped talking to him.

Six months went by without me ever contacting him. He tried texting me and I never responded. I ran into him out with his friends and he asked me and my friends to come over. I obviously looked at him like he was crazy, then politely declined. It had clicked in my head that he was completely clueless as to why I had taken the situation so seriously. Since he was a best friend at the time, I met up with him to explain why I had completely cut him out of my life. I completely trust that he did not know that I had blacked out, but I also know that I had told him for YEARS that I was not interested in ANY kind of relationship with him, outside of friendship. If you knew this, why would you ever try to take things further, especially when you KNOW I had been drinking.

I took my time explaining to him that I was completely disgusted by the idea of having a man inside of me ever again and that I couldn't see myself being comfortable with sex ever again. For SEVEN MONTHS I've sat here, thinking about how disgusting it is to have a man inside of me, and how badly I just wanted to sit in a tub of hot water til my skin burned off. I've avoided even considering getting close to any guys, because I knew eventually I'd have to explain to them why I hadn't been having sex.

What's worse is that the one guy I've been continuously intimate with doesn't even know why he's the only guy I've been having sex with. I've simply played it off as me really liking the things we do...(which btw I really like). I've tried to be with other guys, to be honest, but every time I think about them, I feel like scrubbing my skin. I dated a girl and truly felt as though there was no going back. I wasn't sure if I was simply suffering from PTSD, or if I truly only wanted to be with women. It has been a HARD 8 months. 

Month eight...and I'm feeling 2.5 times better than I was when things first went down. I know I'm not perfect and I know I need to talk to someone, but the progress I've made is enough to ease the pain I've had in my heart.

I'm ready for the next steps.

I'm ready to move on and fully forgive him. 

I'm ready to believe in God again, and that he has never failed me.

I'm ready to be who I truly am.

I'm sorry if some of you were made uncomfortable by what I just posted, but I posted this because I have heard of SOOOOO many stories where young women were taken advantage of and chose to keep quiet or not confront the person who did it. I am a STRONG woman and I REFUSE to let ANY man keep me down. You need to know what you did to me. That's all there is to it. The end!


Thursday, August 2, 2012

I'd rather be single

I know I should probably keep my horny ass in a relationship, but truthfully, I like things better this way. I've been enjoying being single. I'm not sleeping with a bunch of dudes anyway. I got my main homie and I got my white boy. I think I'm doing quite alright for a single lady. I don't have much time to get into trouble with a bunch of different men. Plus, once kitty finds something she's satisfied with, she tends not to wander very far. She'll be slightly intrigued by the idea of something new, but she'd rather make things work with who she has.

That's why I've been chillin with the main dude for this long. There's always something new and crazy coming along...and he always hits that warm spot. Now, if only EVERY guy knew how to beat it up....the world would be a happier place and it would be easier for me to find a side piece or at least, a more reliable cutty buddy. I feel like men everywhere are just so unreliable nowadays. What's so hard to understand about "I'm horny." That means run over and jump up in it...but even my main dude doesn't come through as often as he should. It's like men are scared of good sex...or maybe they're scared of rough sex. I'm pretty sure my CWB is scared of rough sex. I always avoid the urge to pull him but his long ass hair though. I told him I would be gentle until he's ready for more. Is it intimidating to be with a very sexual person? Shouldn't you be open to becoming a more sexual person? Maybe they're scared because I don't want a relationship...and they think that feeling might change? I don't know, but I DO know that they need to get it together. I need a RELIABLE man with GOOD, reliable, dirty, raunchy, rough sex. Is that so hard to ask for? Do you HAVE to be in a relationship to get that? I mean, that's all I want...and maybe some henny. Can I get that? Please?!