Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Waiting Around for Hurt

My best friend was dating a guy in college. The relationship was serious. She thought he was perfect for her. He made her happy. He loved her crazy ways…and then it just seems like it all changed. Now, I’m not in the relationship, so I couldn’t tell you exactly what the issue was or how it began. All I can tell you is what I know as a “bystander.”
I only met the guy once or twice, but by the time I met him, things had already gone downhill. He had begun saying some disgusting things and didn’t seem to be anywhere near interested in a serious relationship. My friend was willing to wait for him. She always told me that he had never had a chance to be single and just mess around, and she was willing to give him his space to enjoy his single lifestyle.
I didn’t agree with her decision because I would never want to sit back and know that the man I love was out there having sex with other women. However, I’m not in the relationship, so I’m only saying how I feel as her friend.
Recently (four years of bullshit later), she finally realized that he had been wasting her time. I have several reactions to the situation: 1) Bout damn time. 2) I admire that you loved him so much to stay BUT 3) It’s time to move on. I really do love that she was determined to find a way to make things work. That shows how much she loves(d) him. However, I think this whole situation shows how much he didn’t love her. I don’t think he never loved her, but I do believe that if he still had those feelings he never would have led her on…especially for so many years.
Now that I’m in a situation that feels like the beginning stages of something similar to what my friend went through, I’m very quick to push away. I don’t want to be with a person who knows I love him, but refuses to commit. I’m only 6 months into this, and I’m just not interested in waiting around forever. I’m a good woman. I love with all of my heart. I support my man in everything he does, because I truly believe in him. I’ve been okay with not having something too serious because I wanted to know if these feelings were real. Now that he’s moved, my feelings have only gotten stronger. I’ve been very vocal about how I feel. I’ve tried to show my feelings in any way I could find. I wish I could say the same about him. You would think that being that far away would make him realize he has to do a bit more to make sure I know how he feels. I haven’t seen or heard anything to make me feel secure in the possibility of something more.
Am I wasting my time? Are you just keeping me on a short leash in case something else doesn’t work out for you? Do you not believe that I love you? Are you just scared to let someone love you?
In the end, I don’t want to wait around much longer for these answers. I’m done showing you. I’m done reaching out to you. I’m done telling you how I feel.
If you wanted to be with me, if you wanted to see if there was something real here, you’d call me, you’d email me, you’d tell me how you feel.
If you respected me, you’d never do what you just did.
Since I’m only worth texting…I guess there’s nothing here.
I guess we just don’t belong together. If that’s the case, I wish you the best. Love you.

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