Thursday, August 9, 2012

Still inside of me...

For however many years now, I was known as someone who absolutely loved sex. My friends would come to me for some of the most ridiculous stories because I always had something new going on. I've written blog entries about the guys who have done or said some of the stupidest things. I've told anecdotes about the things I've done during sexual encounters and the things guys have TRIED to get me to do. That's who I was. When my friends were unsure of things, they came to me. What can I say, I'm a pimp and a player, and I'm good at what I do. I get guys to melt in my hands, then toss em to the curb. Most guys I used for whatever purpose I needed them for, without giving them what they wanted. I didn't care what they thought. We had sex, you were whack, on to the next one!

...then it all stopped. I didn't want any guys. I didn't want to have sex with any guy. Usually I would make most guys think they had a chance, then slowly decide what I wanted. Even THAT stopped. I had become disgusted with the idea of having sex. I didn't want anyone getting too close.

It's almost exactly 8 months later and now I finally have the emotional stability to talk about it. Back in December, after my ex and I broke up, someone who I thought was my best friend, took advantage of me while I was drunk. It took me a few days to really understand what had happened. I had completely black out and didn't remember the end of the night. The one thing I do remember is his face and his body on top of me, and I wanted him off, but my body couldn't move. I don't remember making a sound, but I remember wondering why he was on me and why he was inside of me. Every part of me just wanted him to get off and never speak to me that's what happened. I stopped talking to him.

Six months went by without me ever contacting him. He tried texting me and I never responded. I ran into him out with his friends and he asked me and my friends to come over. I obviously looked at him like he was crazy, then politely declined. It had clicked in my head that he was completely clueless as to why I had taken the situation so seriously. Since he was a best friend at the time, I met up with him to explain why I had completely cut him out of my life. I completely trust that he did not know that I had blacked out, but I also know that I had told him for YEARS that I was not interested in ANY kind of relationship with him, outside of friendship. If you knew this, why would you ever try to take things further, especially when you KNOW I had been drinking.

I took my time explaining to him that I was completely disgusted by the idea of having a man inside of me ever again and that I couldn't see myself being comfortable with sex ever again. For SEVEN MONTHS I've sat here, thinking about how disgusting it is to have a man inside of me, and how badly I just wanted to sit in a tub of hot water til my skin burned off. I've avoided even considering getting close to any guys, because I knew eventually I'd have to explain to them why I hadn't been having sex.

What's worse is that the one guy I've been continuously intimate with doesn't even know why he's the only guy I've been having sex with. I've simply played it off as me really liking the things we do...(which btw I really like). I've tried to be with other guys, to be honest, but every time I think about them, I feel like scrubbing my skin. I dated a girl and truly felt as though there was no going back. I wasn't sure if I was simply suffering from PTSD, or if I truly only wanted to be with women. It has been a HARD 8 months. 

Month eight...and I'm feeling 2.5 times better than I was when things first went down. I know I'm not perfect and I know I need to talk to someone, but the progress I've made is enough to ease the pain I've had in my heart.

I'm ready for the next steps.

I'm ready to move on and fully forgive him. 

I'm ready to believe in God again, and that he has never failed me.

I'm ready to be who I truly am.

I'm sorry if some of you were made uncomfortable by what I just posted, but I posted this because I have heard of SOOOOO many stories where young women were taken advantage of and chose to keep quiet or not confront the person who did it. I am a STRONG woman and I REFUSE to let ANY man keep me down. You need to know what you did to me. That's all there is to it. The end!


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